Intimate enemies (Emotional intelligence by Daniel Goleman-Chapter summary)

Importance of emotional intelligence is being discussed quite recently. Daniel Goleman’s best-seller book ‘Emotional intelligence: why it can matter more than IQ’ touched many aspects and application of emotional intelligence. This article is a summary of its ninth chapter which discusses the application of emotional intelligence in a relationship, ‘Intimate Enemies’

Emotional intelligence: why it can matter more than IQ

Daniel Goleman

Why are these Enemies Intimate?

Goleman termed this chapter, creatively but quite provokingly, ‘Intimate Enemies’. He described how emotional intelligence is essential for a happy and fulfilling relation. Lack of this can make people decorate their partners as hostile entities, hence the accurately misnomered them as intimate enemies.

Intimate But Enemies

Childhood roots

The book begins by describing men and women in a relationship as “two emotional realities in a couple”. It is acknowledged this may be biological, but roots can be traced to their childhood when they were raised as boys and girls.

Childhood Roots At A Glance

Women come into marriage ground for the role of emotional manager which holds less importance for men. Women like to talk about feelings and relations however, men show closeness by an action like gardening together.

Simply having reached an agreement about how to disagree is key to marital survival; men and women have to overcome the innate gender differences in approaching rocky emotions. Failing this, couples are vulnerable to emotional rifts that eventually can tear their relationship apart.

Daniel Goleman

Fault Lines, Toxic Thoughts and Flooding…

Goleman further described what of lack of emotional intelligence can result in the thought process of a couple.

Harsh Criticism

Goleman cited John Gottman, University of Washington, research. Where, couple of conversations were videotaped, and therefore, subjected to hours of micro-analysis.

Gottman findings:

Stonewalling, The ultimate emotional defense.

Stonewallers- Blanking, Denying, Distancing

Toxic thought and Flooding

Thoughts of being an innocent victim or of righteous indignation are typical of partners in troubled marriages, continually fueling anger and hurt. These distressing thoughts are self-confirming. Men who become violent are perhaps the most virulent examples. Firstly, they think like bullies and read both neutral and hostile actions of their partner as threats. As a result, they might respond with violence.

Goleman also described men as "The vulnerable sex". They are more prone to stonewalling as they use it as a mechanism to avoid flooding.

Just as men are far more likely to be stonewallers, so the women are more likely to criticize their husbands. ... As the wife sees her husband withdraw from engagement , she ups the volume and intensity of her complaint, starting to criticize him.

Daniel Goleman

Criticizing and Stonewalling

The net effect of these toxic thoughts is flooding which further creates emotional hijacking resulting in hurt and anger.

People who are flooded cannot hear without distortion or respond with clear-headedness; they find it hard to organize their thinking, and they tall back on primitive reactions. They just want things to stop, or want to run or, sometimes, to strike back. Flooding is a self-perpetuating emotional hijacking.

Daniel Goleman

Applying Emotional Intelligence In Relationship

Emotional Intelligence has foundations in self-awareness, empathy, gratification delaying, emotion articulation and expression. It has direct application for a healthy relationship.

Emotional Intelligence And Relationship

Goleman describes a couple who stick together, during all inevitable conflict:

• Stick to one point at a time.
• Chance to each other to state their point and feeling without interruption
• Feel they are listened to even if there is no agreement
• Act of empathy- master tension reducer

Feel Being Listened To

Arguments should be attempts to change behavior and not to attack the person. Criticize action not person.

The XYZ Formula for argument

Psychologist Haim Ginott, the grandfather of effective-communication programs, recommended that the best formula for a complaint is "XYZ" :

Practicing is important

An important thing to note is that we can practice and learn EQ (or emotional intelligence) , unlike IQ.

Emotional Intelligence Needs Practice

It’s hard to recall skills at time of upset, hence practicing skills is important even when not in conflict like:

• Conveying you are listening and hence, acknowledging emotions
• Give validation by taking responsibility consequently even apologize for genuine reason
• When not in fight, give compliments, genuine appreciation, voicing praise and gratitude.

Emotional Intelligence: Incoming . . .

'Intimate Enemies' is not about relationship advice. The chapter was a guide to use a repertoire of emotional intelligence for expression and management of emotions for a healthy and fulfilling relationship.

This article is the first part of potential 3 part series giving a summary of this book ‘Emotional intelligence: Why it can matter more than IQ’. A single book summary article could not have done justice to this book. Hence, we decided to break down its summary into better detailed, quality articles.

Click here for part 2: The Master Aptitude